Who Am I ? Identity & the constant crisis of making sure I am staying genuine to who I am.

This is a question that I have asked myself my entire life. I guess growing up, I did not realize how constantly changing my life would be. I thought I knew myself and then a trauma would happen or a celebration. Then, I would ask myself if I would be able to get used to the new me all over again. It is so incredibly challenging to feel as if I have figured myself out at 16, just to be hit with the reality that we never truly know ourselves because life is everchanging.

My life is nowhere close to what I thought it would ever be and that is ok. I always wonder what my little self would say to my big self and vice versa. I would hope I would look up to me and think I am so cool and strong and assertive. There is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful and fortunate for the life experiences I have had. I have always had a hard time making decisions, especially big life ones. I changed my major five times, just to become a secretary at my old school, which is what I said I would always do since I was 7. It took me seven years to get married, even though I knew Jeremy was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. If I am travelling, I have to have a plan set in stone and written out, down to the outfit that I am wearing, or it panics me and I need to be prepared months in advance.

I finally am learning to take care of myself and accept compliments given to me. I have brainwashed myself into accepting that I actually am incredible.

I always want to try new things. I get bored and need new endeavors to see if they challenge me, and often they don’t. That is something that frustrates me. I generally am good at things when I first try them and I thrive under pressure. If something is hard for me, its very short lived. I am so competitive and I want to prove myself at all times, which makes the fun disappear often. The first time I have ever truly felt a challenge is starting Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. It is by far, the most challenging and rewarding thing I have ever done. For three months, I had felt discouraged, distraught and confused. BUT, then something clicked and I got it. I finally faced my fears and by doing that, I actually did myself a favor by not being scared of failure. I know the amount of pressure I put on myself is unfair. Its all I know.

Growing up, I was always a go getter in a lot of senses. I definitely was competitive, but I was also very non-confrontational. Now that I am older, competition is something I demand. It is something that makes me feel accomplished and like I am worth something. The problem I have, is that I will lose myself and lose the fun in it. I am very difficult to play games with, I am not a good loser because I am not used to losing. Things cannot just be “for fun”. I cant play games on family game nights. I know what my limits are. I am very self aware in the sense of things I should and shouldnt do. It is definitely a learning curve. It makes me great in team sports (as long as people put in the same amount of effort as me), but it destroys me in individual sports. Losing makes me feel unworthy and makes me want to give up. It is something I feel a little dramatic about and I know I need to work on it.

Growing up, my family threw us into music and we thrived. The issue was that I wanted to quit the second I did poorly at anything. So, for a long time I was doing choir, orchestra, and band. Alongside that, I was singing and doing music at home. All I ever wanted to do was make my parents proud. I should have realized long ago that they were proud of me for trying, not just perfecting.

Friendships come easy for me. I would call myself a people person. When I meet someone, within the first few minutes of knowing them, I usually can tell if it is someone I want to stay in my life. I dont believe anyone deserves to feel alone just because they are less outgoing than me, and I have a habit of collecting friendships with people who are NOT fans of people or are outgoing. I prefer my people more nonchalant and more reserved to match my high energy. BUT, every once in a while I find someone who is just like me with their personality and its the most incredible chaos ever.