Maneuvering around the past & forgiving myself for things in & out of my control.

Who I am as an adult is not who I ever expected to be. I know it was never what my parents expected either.

I grew up in a religious household. Very kind and loving but strict. I think my parents set expectations without realizing it. I was the rebel child. The test subject, if you will.

My parents never dated. Its such an interesting concept. They worked together and fell in love, got married and had me. So, at this point, they had never lived together, made decisions together or anything. BUT, they were incredibly loving parents despite so many things working against them.

I grew up always knowing that I was loved and that my parents would sacrifice absolutely anything for me and my siblings. They always wanted what was best for us, whether we followed what they expected or not. The older I got, the more I changed and slipped away from my parents expectations. My dad’s expectations. I did rebel. I did talk back. I did make choices that I knew were not good to show that I was my own person. I became a challenge. I was and still am impulsive, independent to a fault, self sufficient, and challenging. From a young age, I found myself intrigued by everything. I couldn’t make decisions because nothing fulfilled me.

My mom always described me as the weather. When I am feeling sunshine and rainbows, everyone feels sunshine and rainbows. But, if I am cloudy and storming, I will bring down the mood of every single person around me. Years go by, and I was becoming more aware of my affect on people. By people pleasing and not setting boundaries, I was actually doing a disservice to my friends and our relationships. I was setting these expectations constantly that I knew could never always be met. I always have had a lot of friends, I know everyone. Mostly because I don’t know how to stop talking. I appreciate having friends in every facet of the word. I was taught that you treat everyone with loving kindness. In this, I found myself friends with business workers, blue collar workers, and civil servants but also gang members, sex workers, and people who have been portrayed by society as less worthy of love and friendship. I have learned so much from these people, whether they are looked at as people who are right in the name of God or not. I will always thank my parents for raising me to love.

All my dad ever wanted to do was protect me. I know this now. At the time, I could not wrap my mind around it because I was so stubborn. He knew the world was scary. America is a very different place than where he grew up and bringing two young girls into the world was something that instilled fear in a very strong man. He was right to be scared.

Things happened out of his control. Suicidal tendencies and ideation at the age of 10 that still have not gone away due to bullying. Sexual assaults that happened in high school that I never told anyone about out of fear. Being attacked and ostracized by a racist teacher that put my GPA and schooling in jeopardy. On top of that, my dad was dealing with his own mental health and attacks at work. It all felt too heavy. My mom was the glue that kept us all together, but now I realize how much my mother sacrificed to heal her family.

As an adult, I found out that I had ADHD. This explains a lot. I have been described as chaotic. I cant watch a movie without talking entire way through.. I will be sitting at home with my loud brain with Netflix on the tv, google home playing music, scrolling on Instagram with someone on the phone talking to me and me answering. I have a hard time being alone. I have a hard time not receiving attention. I need to be chatting with someone constantly through the day because it feels like I have purpose. I have to overbook myself all the time, but if my appointment is not in my calendar, it does not exist to me. If I don’t say what is on my mind, I feel like I will explode or scream. I cannot sit still. I get bored easily. Silence is painful for me. This was a revolution that made me feel at ease. Knowing that I wasn’t just weird or annoying or loud, and it gave me the ability to know how to handle it better.

I have been called annoying my entire life. There are very few people who have never used that word towards me. It really takes a toll. It makes me feel less than, especially when it is due to things that I feel are out of my control. My mouth sometimes says things before my brain has a chance to catch up. I started to feel like a waste of time and space for people. A burden. Almost like I had to prove myself. Like I had to do all these incredible things and stretch myself so thin trying to prove that I was worth keeping around.

I thought I was immune to trauma. I thought that I had the best childhood because other people had it a lot worse than me. Through therapy, I have found a lot of unresolved trauma and religious trauma that I need to unpack. So I am still learning so much about myself, even at this age.